1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize