I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
