Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
