I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
They have beer where we have blood.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
