i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
