alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
