Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
