I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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