Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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