Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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