Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
