Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
