I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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