My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
