you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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