You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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