I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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