Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
