Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
