ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
