I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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