my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
