i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
