I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
