This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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