you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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