It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
