Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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