I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize