my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
