she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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