If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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