you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
