I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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