just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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