My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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