Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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