Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
