You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
