Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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