have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
