Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
