I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
