I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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