I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
