My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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