so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
