omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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