I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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