and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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