"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize