I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
