Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
