I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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