It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
