I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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