Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
