Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize