Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
