Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
