@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
